Smallville Uncensored
by siriuslysirus123
Summary: All the parts that were taken out of the show because they were too weird. Warning: You MUST have a sense of humor to enjoy this story. Rated L for Lionel. Contains: Lex and Lionel being weird, transvestites named Lola, and small amounts of red dye no. 2.
1. Lex and the Yugo

Hi everyone! We are LegolasFanGirl27 and The Freak!

Bob the Disclaimer: They don't own Smallville

Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Bob.

Praise for Smallville Uncensored, the story that was so odd and strange, it had to be removed from the show!

A disgusting piece of crap---New York Times

It makes you want to gouge your eyes out---Chicago Tribune

A disgrace to the world---LegolasFanGirl27 and The Freak's mother

Smallville Uncensored is to writing as a Yugo is to a Ferrari---LegolasFanGirl27 and the Freak

And we now present for your disgust, Smallville Uncensored!

Begin cheesy song parody written by The Freak 

Somebody shave me

Let your razor graze my face

Somebody shave me

I don't care how you do it

Just shave, shave

Come on

I've been waiting for you

I feel the hairs growing fast

Growing out from under

Shave, shave

Come on

End cheesy song parody written by The Freak 

Clark unhappily leaned against the railing on the bridge. He wondered why he couldn't just be like a normal person. Suddenly, he heard an old beat up Yugo coming.

Inside the Yugo is Lex Luthor, on his way to his mansion. He spotted Clark on the bridge, and thought, "Wow! A hot guy!" stopped the car, and got out. He walked over to Clark, and gazed over the bridge where Clark was looking.

"What's a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?" Lex asked flirtatiously.

"I'm Clark and I've lived in Smallville all my life," answered Clark, not noticing that Lex was starting to drool at the sight of Clark. "What's your name?"

"My name is," Lex began but was interrupted by a loud squealing noise from the Yugo. The brakes were failing. The car started moving towards the spot where Lex and Clark were. They jumped out of the way, and the car crashed through the side of the bridge and plummeted into the water below.

"Oh no!" Lex cried. "My brand new Yugo!" and jumped into the water after it.

Clark contemplated just walking away, but decided that if he was going to keep up his reputation of a do-gooder who interferes with other people's business, he couldn't let him drown. Clark jumped in after Lex.

Clark pulled Lex out of the water, and onto the shore. Lex coughed up some water, and took some calming deep breaths.

"Thanks, you saved my life," Lex sputtered, still coughing up water. "My name is Lex Luthor."

A few minutes later, Lex's car was being dragged out of the lake. The paint was peeling, the windows were smashed, and the doors were falling off. Basically, it looked the same as it did before. Clark left the scene with his father, who was very angry. He saw Lex staring at the Yugo, amazed at the damage.

A few days later, Clark woke up ready to do his farm chores. He went downstairs and was met by his father, Jonathan.

"There is something waiting for you outside, Clark," said Jonathan looking upset.

Clark wandered outside and there, in the driveway, was a brand new Yugo. The card on the Yugo read, "Dearest Clarkie, I have given you this Yugo as a token of my gratitude for rescuing me. Drive safely. Love, Lex."

Jonathan came out of the house looking worried. "I don't think you should keep that car, Clark."

"Why not dad?" Clark wondered, confused.

"Well son," Jonathan said clearing his throat. "I don't think Lex gave you the Yugo just for saving his life."

"What do you mean?"

"Well it's like this. Read the note and look at the twentieth word."

"Drive?"

"Um no," Jonathan said uncertainly. "A couple of words over."

"Rescuing?" Clark asked, hoping he had gotten it right.

Jonathan took a few deep breaths. "No son, let's try this again. It's one of the last words of the note, and it starts with the letter "L."

Clark thought and thought. Parts of his brain that had never been used started working. Beads of sweat started rolling down his face. Veins in his forehead began to twitch. He was turning red with the effort, and looked like he was going to pass out. Suddenly, a light seemed to go on in Clark's head.

"Lex!" Clark shouted triumphantly.

Clark was puzzled as to why his father had run screaming into the house.

Lex was having the time of his life. There was almost nothing better than sailing the seven seas, pillaging other ships, and being the most feared captain in the world.

"Hoist the sails!" he shouted. "We have to catch that ship! Launch the canons! They've got treasure aboard that ship!"

The canons fired, blowing huge holes in the side of the ship. The crew of the ship jumped out and swam for their lives. Lex's eyes widened as he saw some of the gold, jewels, and other valuable items floating in the water. He entered one of the smaller boats to get the rest of the treasure. He reached into the water, about to grab a bag of gold when…

"Lex?" Clark said standing uncertainly in the doorway.

"Clarkie sweetie!" Lex shouted tossing aside the paper hat he had been wearing, and shoving the wooden boat he had been sitting in out of the way. "Is there anything I can do for you?" he added hopefully.

"It's about the Yugo, Lex." Clark answered. "I can't keep it."

"It's because your father doesn't like me right?" Lex nodded in understanding.

"Well there is that," Clark replied. "Plus it's just a piece of crap."

"I'm sorry Clark," Lex said. All of a sudden, Lex grabbed Clark and said, "Clark, I don't want anyone to get in the way of our future."

"I don't either," Clark agreed smiling. "I have to get back to the farm. Here are the car keys."

"What a friendly guy," Clark thought happily as he left.

Lex sat in his office thinking of Clark and pirate ships.

Thanks for reading and not mocking us too much! More chapters will be up soon!

LegolasFanGirl27 and The Freak.


	2. Lex is hurt

Smallville Uncensored Chapter 2 : Lex gets hurt

A few days later, Clark was on his way to see his new best friend Lex. While he was always happy to see his friend, Lex sounded very tense on the phone. Clark wondered what was wrong.

As Clark paused by the door to Lex's room, he heard a loud roar, followed shortly by a scream, and several banging noises. It was as if there was a lion in there with Lex. But that was ridiculous.

Clark nervously entered Lex's room, unsure of what to expect. Lex was pressed against the wall, wearing a skintight hot pink jumpsuit, and holding a whip and a chair. He was also being attacked by a lion, and screaming like a girl.

Clark sprung into action. He immediately pulled the vicious lion off Lex, and tossed it through the window. Fortunately, Lex had passed out and didn't see anything.

Clark laid Lex on the floor. Lex's eyes fluttered open, and Clark noticed he had a small cut above his left eye.

"Lex! Are you alright?" Clark asked urgently.

"Clark," Lex murmured before passing out again.

A few minutes later, Clark was waiting at the hospital, while Lex got stitches. A doctor came into the waiting room and approached Clark.

"I'm sorry," the doctor said somberly. "But I'm afraid we lost him."

Clark froze. Lex dead? It couldn't be. Lex was Clark's best friend. Sure he was mentally unbalanced, but he was a good friend, not to mention really hot. The world would not be the same without him. Clark felt a tear in his eye.

"Are you serious?" Clark choked.

"No," the doctor replied. "He's in here. Come with me.''

Clark followed the doctor into the room where Lex was. Lex was lying on a hospital bed, while a priest was performing the last rites on him.

"Clark," Lex mumbled. "Come closer." He then turned to the doctor and the priest. "Doctor, padre, would you excuse us?"

After they left, Lex turned to Clark. "Thank you for saving me Clark. How did you do it?"

Clark had to think quickly. "Um I roared back at him and he ran away," he stammered. "Uh Lex, is something wrong? I mean besides the fact that you're a lousy lion tamer."

"No, why do you ask?"

"Well, it's just that you sounded really tense on the phone, not to mention you haven't called me Clarkie, Sweetie, Sugar Lump, or Honey Bunch in days."

"All right, Clark," Lex sighed. "I'll level with you. I think my father is up to something, and knowing him it isn't good. He has been spotted in certain undesirable areas of town, and I think he may be conducting illegal business. I was going to follow him, but I'm injured, and I can't trust anyone else."

"I could do it," Clark volunteered. "I'm good at following people, and he'd never suspect me."

"Okay, but it might be dangerous. If there is anything I can do to repay you…anything…just say so."

"I promise I'll be careful, and I'll report back to you as soon as I find something," Clark said as he left.

"Goodbye, Clark. Oh, would you mind sending the priest back in here?"

"Okay, padre," Lex said as the priest entered the room. "You can continue with that latin thingy."

"Ordlay, easeplay illkay isthay astardbay eforebay iay oday. Amenay, the priest chanted, as Lex dreamed of Clark and lions.


	3. Lola

Smallville Uncensored-Chapter 3

It was dark and quiet as Clark and Chloe followed Lionel down the street. He was alone and constantly checking over his shoulder. He was definitely up to no good. Suddenly, he broke into a run, but Clark and Chloe quickly followed suit. Lionel ran down a corner, but when Clark and Chloe reached it and looked down the street, he was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh great," Chloe sighed. "All that work, and now we lost him."

"Not quite," Clark responded. There are only two doors down this alley, so he must have gone through one of them. Let's try this one on the right."

They entered quietly, and took a few steps until they heard voices. "I'll give you a million dollars for that stuff, but no more," a voice said.

"I think we've found our man," Clark said smiling. "Let's get pictures to show Lex."

Chloe took out her camera to take pictures from her hiding place, but of course Clark had to ruin everything. He jumped out with his camera and began taking pictures, in full view of the puzzled men.

"Uh, Clark?" Chloe asked uncertainly. "I don't think…"

"Quiet, Chloe!" Clark interrupted. "Don't you see this is the biggest scoop of our lives? We're going to send Lionel Luthor to jail!"

"But Clark, that's…" Chloe tried to say, but Clark couldn't hear her.

"You and your friend here will be spending a long time in jail, Lionel," Clark crowed. "I don't know if you'll ever get out!"

Chloe had had enough. "That's not Lionel! Those are just two random guys!"

Clark stopped. He paused thoughtfully. Then he realized his mistake. "I'm really sorry," he stuttered. "We'll just be on our way now." He and Chloe ran out the door and into the only other place Lionel could have gone, to the other side of the alley.

"Wow, I've just lost all faith in the human race," one man said to the other.

"You said it," the other agreed.

As the two teens entered the other door, they were greeted by loud music, and bright neon lights. Clark noticed a neon sign above a small stage reading "Club Chica."

"Club Chica?" he wondered. "I wonder what kind of place this is?"

"Lionel couldn't possibly be in here," Chloe said confused.

"Come on, let's sit there and see if we can spot him."

As they sat, an odd looking woman in a tight sparkly dress and fish net stockings approached them. "Can I get you two sweeties some drinks?"

"Yes please!" Clark responded happily. They ordered drinks, and the woman walked away. "What a friendly waitress," Clark said.

"Um Clark, that wasn't exactly a…" Chloe began, but then the lights dimmed, and the waitress brought their drinks. "Enjoy the show dears," she said winking at Clark.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Club Chica!" The man on stage said to the audience. The audience began cheering, and Clark found himself cheering with them. "It is my pleasure tonight," he continued, "To introduce one of our club's greatest acts, heeeeeeeeerrrrrreeeeee'sssssssssssss Lolaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Soft music began playing as Lola stepped out onto the stage. "Hello, I'd like to sing a little song that many of you may know, called 'I Feel Like A Woman'. Hit it boys!"

The band launched into the song as the audience shouted and clapped. "I feel like a woman," Lola sang into the microphone as members of the audience began throwing money at the stage. Clark started doing it too, until Chloe had to restrain him.

"Hey Clark?" Chloe wondered. "Have you noticed something odd about Lola?"

"Now that you mention it, there is something strange about her," Clark answered.

As Lola finished her song, Clark and Chloe got a good look at her face. After a few seconds identical expressions of shock and horror appeared on their faces.

"Oh. My. God," Chloe murmured.

Dun dun dun! What happened to Lionel? Find out in the next installment of Smallville Uncensored! Somebody shave me...

LegolasFanGirl27 and The Freak


End file.
